Post by res1 on Jul 16, 2020 22:00:11 GMT -5
Looking around the lobby of the hotel we are staying in, one might be able to confuse it for a fashion show. Guests coming and going, each one dressed as if they were heading down a runway. Then there’s Lee and I. Red t-shirt, jeans, black sneakers, and a grey California hoodie for me. Lee argues with the receptionist for a while as we try to figure out which name that I used to book a room. We get to Lee's room. Lee sits me down on one end of the hotel's table and sits at the other, we have to discuss my delusions. Lee has a journal in both hands, I rip out a blank piece of paper from it and start coloring it with a yellow color pencil. Lee writes something in the journal.
"Hi, Cowardvore, I'm here to talk to you for a little while. If that's ok with you. How are you doing today?"
"Hmmm...a little hungry but I'm ok. A clean, raw diet helps."
"Ok, give me a second and I'll bring you some breakfast."
Lee takes a second to put a meat tray in a microwave.
"Food will be done soon."
"Thank you."
"So let's start with your parents, what do you remember about them?"
"Dad was kinda mean, he didn't want to talk to me or look at me."
"It says in your journal that your dad was the first one to notice you were different from other kids."
"I heard him talking to mom about me a lot, he was always mad."
"What about your mom? Was she angry with you too?"
"Nooo...she would say it wasn't my fault."
"I don't know what I did to make dad so mad."
"That's nice of her."
"We've have in your journal is reads that your dad got violent towards your mom as the days lead up to...well, you must know what happened."
"Not really."
"Let's try to trace that memory, ok?"
"What we know is that he got violent and your mom tried to protect you, is that right?"
"Yeah, he hurt her and he tried to hurt me."
"Do you know why?"
"He didn't like me, nobody does."
"Now don't say that. Parents can become angry with their kids but that doesn't mean they don't love them."
"Dad hated me, he wish I was never born, he told me he was going to kill me."
"I see...what happened when he tried to hurt you?"
"Mom tried to fight him but he was too strong."
"We guessed that your mother's death was to due an attack by your father, the official records says he died of a heart attack in prison."
"Everyone hates me."
The microwave beeps, Lee serves the meat tray to me and I start eating it.
"This is an important part of the conversation, Cowardvore, did you feel mad at your dad before he tried to attack you?"
"A little bit."
"Did you try to hurt him, maybe so he wouldn't hurt you?"
I look up from the meat.
"What do you mean?"
"Did you try to protect yourself? Did you try to hurt anyone who was mean to you?"
"Nooo..."
"If anyone attacked me, I would do anything I could to protect myself even if it meant hurting someone else."
"Wait, what are you drawing?"
"This is my friend. Do you want to see?"
"Yeah, yeah, please."
I show Lee my picture of a yellow smileyface.
"I see him in my dreams and he doesn't hate me like everybody else. He's nice to me."
"Cowardvore, I don't hate you. I'll make sure I never do."
"So you've only seen this friend in your dreams?"
"Mmhmm, yeah. He talks to me."
"What does he say?"
"Nice things, like I'm important and people just don't understand me."
"He says I'm different, but in a good way, not like everyone else thinks I'm different."
I color in half the smileyface with a black color pencil. Lee writes something in the journal.
"Good afternoon, Satana."
"Uh. I...would prefer if you didn't call me that. Please."
"Apologies. Do you have a preferred manner of address."
"I...fuck."
"Pardon?"
"No, I mean. I, well. I don't. Have anything I'd prefer to be called. I guess uh..."
I remain silent for a few moments.
"Just call me Lucille."
"Very well then. It is my pleasure to meet you, Lucille."
I remain silent for a minute as Lee writes something.
"Are you okay?"
"Haha. Uh. I guess I can't speak."
"You're free to take your time. I'm here for as long as you need."
"I…thanks. But I meant…I want to. I, uh. You want to know what my deal is. You want to help. I want to help you help."
"Sure, Lucille."
"Going out at night, not coming back for a few days. Fear. Constant panic attacks. Hyper-vigilance. Sleep troubles, eating issues? Any of this sound familiar?"
"I'm afraid those symptoms are shared by a lot of different illnesses. It's something clearly traumatic, right?"
"Yes. Something traumatic happened to me."
"Were you attacked by someone?"
"…not exactly. I mean. Yes. I was attacked. But not quite…right? That's not quite right. But you're…you're really close. You're really, really close. I feel so useless. So fucking pathetic. Why? Why does it have to be so fucking hard to say a single word? I wish I could just…say it, I wish I could face it. I just. I."
I take the notebook from Lee and stare at a blank page for a minute before writing something down, that helps.
"I...hated the church. I hated being there. I hated being there and feeling like a sin. Like I was sin incarnate. I was worthless. I was a demon and even though I am obligated to reject him, I talked with the devil.”
“I made a deal, you know? I made a deal to make it fucking stop. I made a deal to make him pay. But that was for a price, of course. I made the deal in exchange for having to seduce and sleep with a dude once a week.”
"I'd like to stop for today."
I stopped responding and the interview was terminated.
Daniel Dream, also known as Daring One or Danger Daniel, handles the world in ways that are destructive for both himself and the world around him. Daring One doesn't make the right decisions, his actions aren't born from good calculation and correct knowledge. The chase of short-term pleasures leads to a long-term destructiveness. Wishing to control a universe that is out of control for example is an act of Daring One.
Fundamentally, Carnivore is nothing real. Carnivore is a compromise between Daniel Dream and society as to what Daniel Dream should be. Daniel over-identifies with Carnivore to the detriment of the other important alters. Daniel must realize that Carnivore is not the totality of his being, but rather only a small component of a much larger personality.
Daniel's personality is an association of alters, with constant rivalry and particular alliances with each other.
Mint Giles Katz, The EPIC Gamer, and War Pig.
Carnivore, Cowardvore, Morbid Lust, Beer Giles Katz, Dark Giles Katz, and War Pig of DSix.
In the darkness of the unconscious Cowardvore is far from impotent but instead influences emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in a manner which is beyond conscious control.
Cowardvore is one of Daniel's most dangerous alters due to the fact that he won't stop until he achieves his goal, and the man is basically a maniacal psychopath.
"Hi, Cowardvore, I'm here to talk to you for a little while. If that's ok with you. How are you doing today?"
"Hmmm...a little hungry but I'm ok. A clean, raw diet helps."
"Ok, give me a second and I'll bring you some breakfast."
Lee takes a second to put a meat tray in a microwave.
"Food will be done soon."
"Thank you."
"So let's start with your parents, what do you remember about them?"
"Dad was kinda mean, he didn't want to talk to me or look at me."
"It says in your journal that your dad was the first one to notice you were different from other kids."
"I heard him talking to mom about me a lot, he was always mad."
"What about your mom? Was she angry with you too?"
"Nooo...she would say it wasn't my fault."
"I don't know what I did to make dad so mad."
"That's nice of her."
"We've have in your journal is reads that your dad got violent towards your mom as the days lead up to...well, you must know what happened."
"Not really."
"Let's try to trace that memory, ok?"
"What we know is that he got violent and your mom tried to protect you, is that right?"
"Yeah, he hurt her and he tried to hurt me."
"Do you know why?"
"He didn't like me, nobody does."
"Now don't say that. Parents can become angry with their kids but that doesn't mean they don't love them."
"Dad hated me, he wish I was never born, he told me he was going to kill me."
"I see...what happened when he tried to hurt you?"
"Mom tried to fight him but he was too strong."
"We guessed that your mother's death was to due an attack by your father, the official records says he died of a heart attack in prison."
"Everyone hates me."
The microwave beeps, Lee serves the meat tray to me and I start eating it.
"This is an important part of the conversation, Cowardvore, did you feel mad at your dad before he tried to attack you?"
"A little bit."
"Did you try to hurt him, maybe so he wouldn't hurt you?"
I look up from the meat.
"What do you mean?"
"Did you try to protect yourself? Did you try to hurt anyone who was mean to you?"
"Nooo..."
"If anyone attacked me, I would do anything I could to protect myself even if it meant hurting someone else."
"Wait, what are you drawing?"
"This is my friend. Do you want to see?"
"Yeah, yeah, please."
I show Lee my picture of a yellow smileyface.
"I see him in my dreams and he doesn't hate me like everybody else. He's nice to me."
"Cowardvore, I don't hate you. I'll make sure I never do."
"So you've only seen this friend in your dreams?"
"Mmhmm, yeah. He talks to me."
"What does he say?"
"Nice things, like I'm important and people just don't understand me."
"He says I'm different, but in a good way, not like everyone else thinks I'm different."
I color in half the smileyface with a black color pencil. Lee writes something in the journal.
Cowardvore may not understand that he influences emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in Carnivore or he understands the concept of lying.
"Good afternoon, Satana."
"Uh. I...would prefer if you didn't call me that. Please."
"Apologies. Do you have a preferred manner of address."
"I...fuck."
"Pardon?"
"No, I mean. I, well. I don't. Have anything I'd prefer to be called. I guess uh..."
I remain silent for a few moments.
"Just call me Lucille."
"Very well then. It is my pleasure to meet you, Lucille."
I remain silent for a minute as Lee writes something.
Like the former alter Trix, Lucille may not have a current preferred name therefore may not be referred to by any name, title, or manner of address.
Lucy displays numerous psychological ailments, including aversion to men, fear of sleeping, PTSD, and suicidal thoughts.
Increased irritability, discomfort with being alone. Compulsion to lock doors. Increased startle response. Seeing things in the periphery of vision.
Lucy displays numerous psychological ailments, including aversion to men, fear of sleeping, PTSD, and suicidal thoughts.
Increased irritability, discomfort with being alone. Compulsion to lock doors. Increased startle response. Seeing things in the periphery of vision.
"Are you okay?"
"Haha. Uh. I guess I can't speak."
"You're free to take your time. I'm here for as long as you need."
"I…thanks. But I meant…I want to. I, uh. You want to know what my deal is. You want to help. I want to help you help."
"Sure, Lucille."
"Going out at night, not coming back for a few days. Fear. Constant panic attacks. Hyper-vigilance. Sleep troubles, eating issues? Any of this sound familiar?"
"I'm afraid those symptoms are shared by a lot of different illnesses. It's something clearly traumatic, right?"
"Yes. Something traumatic happened to me."
"Were you attacked by someone?"
"…not exactly. I mean. Yes. I was attacked. But not quite…right? That's not quite right. But you're…you're really close. You're really, really close. I feel so useless. So fucking pathetic. Why? Why does it have to be so fucking hard to say a single word? I wish I could just…say it, I wish I could face it. I just. I."
I take the notebook from Lee and stare at a blank page for a minute before writing something down, that helps.
"I...hated the church. I hated being there. I hated being there and feeling like a sin. Like I was sin incarnate. I was worthless. I was a demon and even though I am obligated to reject him, I talked with the devil.”
“I made a deal, you know? I made a deal to make it fucking stop. I made a deal to make him pay. But that was for a price, of course. I made the deal in exchange for having to seduce and sleep with a dude once a week.”
"I'd like to stop for today."
I stopped responding and the interview was terminated.